Faceless
by slightlysmall
Summary: I don't know what to do with myself, having conversations about feelings and not power. Being treated like a person. I also don't know how to answer him, because I don't know what the feeling inside my stomach is when I look at Blaise, but it's something I've never felt for Draco.


Written for Quidditch, where I was to write about a Slytherin rarepair.

Written for the Apprentice competition, with the prompts: (1) freedom; (2) Dialogue: "You know I'm not going to, right?"; (3) Clarity, by Zedd, specifically the lines "You are the piece of me I wish I didn't need. Chasing relentlessly. Still fight and I don't know why."; (4) impossibility; and (5) Setting: The Forbidden Forest.

Written for Teddy's Inspirational Quotes Competition, with the Andrea Gibson quote: "You are a dream. We are a nightmare sometimes, but if you wake up crying i'll be there to hold you."

For the As Strong As We Are United Competition, with the character Draco Malfoy.

Word Count: 1,177

* * *

The note comes at a dinner Draco doesn't show up to. It's not the first time he's missed dinner, and it's not the first time I've received a note like this.

_Forbidden Forest. Midnight. I'll bring a blanket. -B._

It is the first time that I decide to go. Before now, Draco was worth my time. Useful. He was going places, and therefore so was I. This year, something has seemed off. He shirks my attention and wanders away by himself. Makes it seem like he thinks he's_ better_ than me or some bullshit like that. But I know the truth - or at least I've heard the rumours. The Dark Lord isn't pleased. I don't know who fucked up, but someone did, and I don't see why I should stick around if even the Dark Lord is leaving them to be punished.

I don't let go, not exactly. It's nice to let him think I still need him. When he does seek me out, in the dark, we are faceless, all hands and bodies. I don't mind. It's all he's good for anymore, since he will bring me nowhere. He has no throne for me to rise up to beside him, and it's time to see if Blaise does.

At first, that's all it is. A rendezvous in the Forbidden Forest, on the edge away from the dark, a warm body to squeeze next to, a face that doesn't look defeated like Draco's does. But I go back for more, again and again, and I hate it, because I begin to feel like I need him.

Blaise no longer passes notes. One glance, one raised eyebrow, one curt nod in return and I know we will be meeting in the dark to be faceless and breathless together.

"Pansy." The voice comes from my left, not across from me. It's the first time I remember Draco saying my name in weeks.

"What?"

"Can we talk?"

"I'm eating, Draco."

"Not now. During free period this morning. In the Common Room."

I stuff eggs into my mouth and take my time chewing before finally responding. "Fine."

When we meet, he doesn't mince words. I pace in front of the sofa while he checks hidden nooks for students out of place. "You're cheating on me. With Blaise."

"What are you talking about?"

"Don't lie to me. I know you are."

"What did you do, have your goonies follow me around? I hardly see them anymore, anyway. Do they even still go here?"

Something inexplicable changes on his face. It's momentary, but there is a hint of vulnerability behind his normally unfeeling eyes. I hate it. "They've been busy and it's none of your business. They have better things to do than follow my girlfriend around."

"Then what makes you think I'm cheating on you?" I cross my arms, feigning innocence. There are so many things I fake with him I wonder if he even notices.

"The way Blaise looks at you."

"Oooh he _looks_ at me. How dare he? Maybe you should be confronting him and not me." I turn around and march toward my dorm, but he grabs my shoulder firmly.

"The way you look at him. And the way neither of you are here in the middle of the night."

I want to ask him how he knows, what keeps him up at midnight, but I stopped caring months ago. Blaise has become the part of me I wish I didn't need. But I do. I need him. I don't say anything more.

That night, I still go to the Forest. After all, Draco accused me, but never asked me to stop. Maybe he knows he doesn't deserve me. I make my way tentatively across the open space between the castle and the edge of the Forest, excuse after excuse on the tip of my tongue if I'm found.

Blaise stands as I get closer. Normally, we waste no time. He knows what we come here for, and begins without words. Today, though, something is different. When he pulls me in for a hug, he doesn't reach for the hem of my jumper or even kiss me.

"Can we talk?"

"Why? Since when is a good _conversation_ what you're looking for from me?"

He shrugs. "Since now. I want to know what Draco said to you."

I sit down awkwardly beside him on the blanket. Talking to these men was never my strength. I don't hold the power. I don't enjoy it. But I acquiesce in the chance that we can get it over with and move on to what we really came here for. "He accused me of cheating on him with you."

"Did you admit to it?"

"No."

"Why not? If you did, maybe we could be together. He would leave you and you would be free."

My eyebrows press down, confused. "What are you talking about?"

"You... you love me, don't you?"

Why have all the Slytherin men suddenly become so vulnerable? I don't know what to do with myself, having conversations about feelings and not power. Being treated like a person. I also don't know how to answer him because I don't know what the feeling inside my stomach is when I look at Blaise, but it's something I've never felt for Draco.

It seems like an impossibility, but I say it anyway. "I might."

"Then it should be easy, right? I know we're a nightmare sometimes. We've both got our tempers, and we've had our moments of stubbornness and fights even before you agreed to see me like this. But I can't let you go. You're my dream. When you wake up crying, I want to be there to hold you."

"What in Merlin's name makes you think I wake up crying?"

He shrugs. "If you ever do, I want to be the one holding you. Draco's slipping away. You know this. You've noticed him. He's cheating you out of what you deserve. Something I can give to you."

He pulls me close and kisses me hard, and I feel like I'm in my element again. This is the kind of relationship I can be in. The freedom and oblivion that come with a passionate kiss. I forget all about myself and Draco and Blaise as clothes scatter and the ground gets closer and Blaise gets closer too. I become faceless.

But as we roll over, panting, finished, and Blaise says, "I love you," I'm lost again.

"You know I'm not going to leave him, right?" I ask, pressing against him anyway. I feel his heartbeat against my forehead.

"I know you aren't going to leave him yet. But you will one day. Draco has fallen from his throne, and it's our turn."

Blaise chases me relentlessly. I still fight him, and I don't know why. Love like he seems to have for me requires names and faces. Holding hands in hallways and the opportunity of truly being known. I can't handle it. Not yet. And so we stay in the dark, faceless.


End file.
